i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
