why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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