She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
