She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
