Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
