Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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