we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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