i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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