I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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