oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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