my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
