Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
