He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
