It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
