Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
