She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
