The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
