Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
