If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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