She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
