Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
