I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize