my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize