when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
