If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
