My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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