Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
