his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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