he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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