I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
