just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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