It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
