What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
