You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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