k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
