So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
