woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
