arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
