Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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