I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
