we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
