I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
