how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
