I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I have tasted many bathrooms
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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