A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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