I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
