mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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