How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
