You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
