get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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