My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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