Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I smell like Dick and happiness
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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