Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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