I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
