I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
