you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
