That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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