Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This toilet bowl is my home.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
