About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
