i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
His nipple licking is glorious
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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