I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
