I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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