I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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