we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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