I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Rumble strips road head = magical
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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