porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
