I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize