According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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