Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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