Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
